The Golden Boot and other honours.

Goals go to the feature that most takes over a person's week. Assists go to the symptoms that quietly set up all the others. The cards go where you'd expect. The medals, less so.

Hands lifting a golden brain-shaped trophy amid confetti and a roaring crowd — **Champions** of the umbrella.

Golden Boot · Top Scorer

Intrusive Thoughts

OCD · Switzerland

Eight goals. Knocked out in the quarters and still finished top scorer, because of course it did. It never, ever stops.

Golden Ball · Best Player

Special Interest

Autism · Germany

Ran the champions from the first whistle. Knew everything about everyone, and would tell you in full, unprompted.

Golden Glove · Best Keeper

Hypervigilance

PTSD · England

Four clean sheets. Never blinked, never rested, never once felt safe between the posts.

Playmaker · Most Assists

Masking

Autism · Germany

Nine assists. Made the whole side look completely fine, right up until the moment it collapsed.

Young Player Of The Tournament

Demand Avoidance

PDA · Croatia

The breakout act of the tournament, and nobody in the studio can agree whether it should have been allowed to enter.

Fair Play Award

Synaesthesia

Morocco

Not a single foul all tournament. Too busy seeing the match as colour and music to bother anyone.

A footballer wheeling away in celebration as the ball hits the net — **Eight goals** and it never once stopped.

01 Top Scorers

The features that scored most often, meaning the ones that most took over the game.

	Player	Goals
1	Intrusive Thoughts OCD · Switzerland	8
2	Special Interest Autism · Germany	7
3	Hyperfocus ADHD · Brazil	7
4	Manic Energy Bipolar · Colombia	6
5	Hallucinations Schizophrenia · Iran	5
6	Impulsivity ADHD · Brazil	5
7	Constant Worry GAD · United States	4
8	Checking OCD · Switzerland	4

A packed floodlit crowd waving scarves — The **neutrals** turned up in numbers.

02 Playmakers

Most assists, meaning the symptoms that quietly set up all the others.

	Player	Assists
1	Masking Autism · Germany	9
2	Constant Worry GAD · United States	7
3	Hypervigilance PTSD · England	6
4	Less Sleep Needed Bipolar · Colombia	5
5	Rejection Sensitivity AuDHD · Netherlands	4
6	Rumination OCD · Switzerland	4

A referee holding up a yellow card and a red card — **Booked** and sent off.

03 Yellow Cards

Booked. Disruptive, mistimed, can't-help-it.

	Player	Yel
1	Impulsivity ADHD	6
2	Motor Tics Tic Disorders	5
3	Interrupts ADHD	5
4	Splitting BPD	4
5	Demand Avoidance PDA	4

04 Red Cards

Sent off. The ones that get you removed.

	Player	Red
1	Aggression ASPD	2
2	Rule Breaking ASPD	2
3	Manic Energy Bipolar	1
4	Meltdown Risk PDA	1
5	Chewing Rage Misophonia	1

Two notes from the disciplinary panel. Uruguay topping the red cards is not a coincidence; some tournament traditions are simply sacred. And the panel wishes to record that Motor Tics was booked five times for things it genuinely cannot control, which says more about the referee than the player.

Two footballers in a hard sliding tackle with turf spraying up — **Full commitment** to the cause.

Affectionate, not diagnostic. Stats are invented for the joke. The "players" are recognised features of each condition, simplified and softened, and nothing here ranks human worth or substitutes for assessment.